December 12, 2012

12th December 2012

Sometimes I wish I would fall asleep and never wake up, negative much on a special day like this?

I can, but I shouldn't. Hang in there, I've survived 2 dozen years, just got to hang on tight.

November 7, 2012

7th November 2012

Picture perfect,
is it worth it that you live a lie.

I am starting to rethink life. 

September 29, 2012

29th September 2012, 11:42AM

And tell me my name's the one
that's hidden in there somewhere;

September 6, 2012

6th September 2012, 11:33PM

I wish people are able to tell when things are not going too well in my head.

I tend to get into this dark place every once in a while, and it's getting so tiring to push myself out of it.

Am I placing too high expectation towards my fellow human kind? Aren't anyone out there able to turn these feelings around?

It's just a combination of the things people say and expect me to feel all better that irritates me more. I hate how the tables would turn and I'd have to give in and be the stronger one. Can't I be the pampered one every once in a while. Huffs, it's difficult to pin point what's wrong when everything is.

August 21, 2012

August 21st 2012, 2:35AM

Birthdays, I've always love them. But this time around it isn't the same.

It used to be special. I am afraid it won't be anymore. I can hardly remember the last, before I had someone to share it with.

Yes, it is difficult to walk alone after walking a mile with someone.

But then again, it isn't the end. It will be just another day.

July 30, 2012

30th July 2012, 1:57AM

A wise man once said not to look backwards for too long, and keep moving forward. Illuminati or not, he was right.

I've met someone, whom made me feel safe in his presence. It has been a while since, as lately, I always felt in need to fend for myself. But now, everything feels right, and complete. 

Yet, there's this self-destructive habit of mine, looking out for faults. At times, I feel like slapping myself across the face, yelling what the hell is wrong with me. Is it too difficult to just live in the moment, leave the past as it is and the future for tomorrow?

But for whats worth, this is one to fight for.

27th July 2012, 2:41AM

Never thought today would come. It always felt so far away in the future. I wish people could tell how wrong things are without me explaining my stand. It's too tiring.

A year ago, as I was planning the Krabi trip, I pictured myself today being all pumped and excited for the trip that is to take off in 5 hours. It was the most anticipated vacation of my life.

And that is why I got so disappointed when it came crashing down. It wasn't suppose to be this way.
By now, I should have my bags all packed and he would still be mine. But instead I am just here, alone.

I know things change and plans are made to be changed. I wouldn't trade what I have now with what I had. But what kills me the most is the idea of myself being so happy back then. If only I knew of how wrong I could be.

It worries me to wonder if I am making another bad decision without realizing it.

I guess it's every man for himself now. Nobody would fight your battles for you, probably it's time for me to start thinking more for myself cause no one else will.

July 12, 2012

12th July 2012, 11:13PM

And I promise I'll be just as strong as I can be;

Happy 12th of July.

July 9, 2012

July 8th, 2012

When you finally let go of the past, something better comes along. 

Now I see why people say that.

Seven and a half years wasn't easy to let go. How could it be, when everything about me was him. Being in a long relationship makes you lose yourself in a way or another. You become a We instead of an I. Your plans are always for two, it's scary to think of even.

Coming out of it puts you in this trance state, in which you learn that you are more clueless about yourself than you actually know. It was bad. Like I was trying so desperately to rebuild seven years of myself. I didn't know where to start.I can't even tell if I liked Japanese food, cause I really like it, or because he liked it.

Six months down the road and I finally found ground to talk about it. It was always easier to push it aside and be ignorant. I wasn't in a good place then, I knew it all along, but that was the best I could come up with.

It's alright, I can finally tell myself. Cause I've grown so much since last Christmas. It's never too late to start over.

After all, it's the past that builds us.

July 1, 2012

July 1st, 2012; 11:56PM


July 1st, 2012

Just because we're not close anymore,
doesn't mean I don't care about you.

Could it be too difficult to do the same? Probably.

June 24, 2012

June 24th, 2012

So effortlessly,
It feels so easy, like it's all that I need.

Could this be it?

June 17, 2012

17th June, 2012, 1:41PM

The best I could hope to be is now
just a bitter sweet memory.

June 17th, 2012, 3:38AM

Take me back, take me back, back to Summer Paradise;

Hope this is not just wishful thinking.
Tell me that you care,
And I'll be there in a heartbeat. -SP

if only.

June 16, 2012

June 16th, 2012

Freaking out is what I do best when things are going well. As much as I would like to deny it, there's this small voice in my mind convincing me that being happy isn't something I deserve. Easily influenced, now I truly believe that I don't deserve much. 

I need constant reminders that everything will be okay, cause that's one thing I can't convince myself to believe; too many variables, too many things to ponder upon. Honestly, I am just afraid. Afraid that things will not turn out the way I hoped. 

Over the years, I've learned not to place myself in line for disappointment. I know people change, I don't place much hope in the things they say. I leave room for me to get myself out before they do. It's survival. 

But recently, I'm starting to wonder if I should man up and fix this insecurities.