December 12, 2012

12th December 2012

Sometimes I wish I would fall asleep and never wake up, negative much on a special day like this?

I can, but I shouldn't. Hang in there, I've survived 2 dozen years, just got to hang on tight.

November 7, 2012

7th November 2012


Picture perfect,
is it worth it that you live a lie.



I am starting to rethink life. 



September 29, 2012

29th September 2012, 11:42AM




And tell me my name's the one
that's hidden in there somewhere;



September 6, 2012

6th September 2012, 11:33PM

I wish people are able to tell when things are not going too well in my head.

I tend to get into this dark place every once in a while, and it's getting so tiring to push myself out of it.

Am I placing too high expectation towards my fellow human kind? Aren't anyone out there able to turn these feelings around?

It's just a combination of the things people say and expect me to feel all better that irritates me more. I hate how the tables would turn and I'd have to give in and be the stronger one. Can't I be the pampered one every once in a while. Huffs, it's difficult to pin point what's wrong when everything is.

August 21, 2012

August 21st 2012, 2:35AM

Birthdays, I've always love them. But this time around it isn't the same.

It used to be special. I am afraid it won't be anymore. I can hardly remember the last, before I had someone to share it with.

Yes, it is difficult to walk alone after walking a mile with someone.

But then again, it isn't the end. It will be just another day.

July 30, 2012

30th July 2012, 1:57AM

A wise man once said not to look backwards for too long, and keep moving forward. Illuminati or not, he was right.

I've met someone, whom made me feel safe in his presence. It has been a while since, as lately, I always felt in need to fend for myself. But now, everything feels right, and complete. 

Yet, there's this self-destructive habit of mine, looking out for faults. At times, I feel like slapping myself across the face, yelling what the hell is wrong with me. Is it too difficult to just live in the moment, leave the past as it is and the future for tomorrow?

But for whats worth, this is one to fight for.


27th July 2012, 2:41AM

Never thought today would come. It always felt so far away in the future. I wish people could tell how wrong things are without me explaining my stand. It's too tiring.

A year ago, as I was planning the Krabi trip, I pictured myself today being all pumped and excited for the trip that is to take off in 5 hours. It was the most anticipated vacation of my life.

And that is why I got so disappointed when it came crashing down. It wasn't suppose to be this way.
By now, I should have my bags all packed and he would still be mine. But instead I am just here, alone.

I know things change and plans are made to be changed. I wouldn't trade what I have now with what I had. But what kills me the most is the idea of myself being so happy back then. If only I knew of how wrong I could be.

It worries me to wonder if I am making another bad decision without realizing it.

I guess it's every man for himself now. Nobody would fight your battles for you, probably it's time for me to start thinking more for myself cause no one else will.


July 12, 2012

12th July 2012, 11:13PM



And I promise I'll be just as strong as I can be;


Happy 12th of July.


July 9, 2012

July 8th, 2012

When you finally let go of the past, something better comes along. 

Now I see why people say that.


Seven and a half years wasn't easy to let go. How could it be, when everything about me was him. Being in a long relationship makes you lose yourself in a way or another. You become a We instead of an I. Your plans are always for two, it's scary to think of even.

Coming out of it puts you in this trance state, in which you learn that you are more clueless about yourself than you actually know. It was bad. Like I was trying so desperately to rebuild seven years of myself. I didn't know where to start.I can't even tell if I liked Japanese food, cause I really like it, or because he liked it.

Six months down the road and I finally found ground to talk about it. It was always easier to push it aside and be ignorant. I wasn't in a good place then, I knew it all along, but that was the best I could come up with.

It's alright, I can finally tell myself. Cause I've grown so much since last Christmas. It's never too late to start over.

After all, it's the past that builds us.

July 1, 2012

July 1st, 2012; 11:56PM


 ♥



July 1st, 2012


Just because we're not close anymore,
doesn't mean I don't care about you.

Could it be too difficult to do the same? Probably.


June 24, 2012

June 24th, 2012



So effortlessly,
It feels so easy, like it's all that I need.
:))

Could this be it?


June 17, 2012

17th June, 2012, 1:41PM



The best I could hope to be is now
just a bitter sweet memory.
-Anberlin



June 17th, 2012, 3:38AM


Take me back, take me back, back to Summer Paradise;


Hope this is not just wishful thinking.
Tell me that you care,
And I'll be there in a heartbeat. -SP



if only.


June 16, 2012

June 16th, 2012


Freaking out is what I do best when things are going well. As much as I would like to deny it, there's this small voice in my mind convincing me that being happy isn't something I deserve. Easily influenced, now I truly believe that I don't deserve much. 

I need constant reminders that everything will be okay, cause that's one thing I can't convince myself to believe; too many variables, too many things to ponder upon. Honestly, I am just afraid. Afraid that things will not turn out the way I hoped. 

Over the years, I've learned not to place myself in line for disappointment. I know people change, I don't place much hope in the things they say. I leave room for me to get myself out before they do. It's survival. 

But recently, I'm starting to wonder if I should man up and fix this insecurities. 


June 16th, 2012


It's unfortunate.

Told myself that you were right for me,
But felt so lonely in your company,
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember.


June 4, 2012

12:02AM, 4th June 2012


don't show emotion, let this go..


June 3, 2012

3:35AM, 3rd June 2012

People say regret is the worst feeling ever. I'd say the fact that you are not able to do anything to change the circumstances, that's where the pain is.

It felt like I took a pause in life, with everything zooming by around me. Everything has changed, yet the pieces, it breaks my heart. I'm just trying to hold on, but memories fade.

For a moment there, it felt like I was waiting. I was afraid to break down cause it would make things real. And so I made believe that it wasn't happening, and stood strong, as long as I am in one piece. But honestly all I wanted to do was to curl up into a fetal position and cry. Everything wasn't right, and I couldn't fix it. And that there, is the worst feeling ever.

I did steal moments of weakness every now and then. I wish I did more often. I wish I didn't have to put up such a strong front and smile to assure people that everything is okay when nothing is :(



May 15, 2012

12:04AM, 15th May 2012


Breaking a person who had just healed your broken heart.

The idea itself isn't right.



May 13, 2012

11:37PM, 13th May 2012


Words are better written in a song.






2:02PM, 13th May 2012



"So proud of who you became now,
You're in a world without chains now."






April 24, 2012

24th April 2012, 7:56PM


My biggest mistake in life is making plans and believing it'll work out a year later;





how did things turn out to be so wrong :(


April 23, 2012

23rd April 2012, 12:01AM


A7X in Malaysia, soon.





It's sad, honestly. 
They will never be the same again, without him.




March 31, 2012

Earth Hour '12


Earth Hour. Draco and I.

4th consecutive year and counting.

It has became an annual occasion for the both of us




March 25, 2012

25th March 2012, 2:55AM


"Don't do something permanently stupid just because
you're temporarily upset"




I told them that I have it under control,
but I was dead wrong, I was just being temporarily upset.



I am not in a good position right now.



March 3, 2012

3rd March 2012, 2:30AM



Plans are made to be changed,
I wish I had taken more thought into this fact.




February 24, 2012

24th February 2012, 12:48AM


And I'll just smile, and make believe I don't feel a thing.
- Mayday Parade





but no one knows me like you do,
i need you to know that.



February 17, 2012

17th February 2012, 11:02PM




well said.

with that, will be spending the weekend at HATYAI :D

awesome-ness.




February 9, 2012

9th February 2012, 1:48AM

I've been this crazy perfectionist for almost my entire life, so much that it is only recently that I've learnt to let go a little, live the moment and trust that everything will work out okay.

Taking control of everything was what I am good at. I never thought that there is anything wrong with that, until now, as I take a step back and re-evaluate our entire relationship, I realize how flawed my execution plan was. I was the problem.

This time last year, I was stressing out like a crazy person, trying to make a reservation for dinner at a nice restaurant for Valentine's day. I remember feeling so disappointed and convinced that the day would suck even before it begin, when I failed to get a table. I just wanted everything to be perfect for us. I was disappointed that I had to do it all alone, I was so tired and frustrated. But the day came and it wasn't too bad, we found this tiny Japanese place and dined there as every other place had a waiting crowd. It was perfect the way it was. He never wanted any restaurant reservations, that was what I wanted. I was probably that much of a selfish person, everything was always about me.

Trusting people is what I am worst at. I never believed that anyone could make me happy, unless I do something about it. I couldn't trust him enough when he said he got it under control.

This year for a change, I'll let go and trust that everything will be fine. It's so much easier this way. Thinking of all the years I've been stressing out and not learning from any of them just tickles me. Probably I am just that flawed.


January 30, 2012

30th January 2012, 2:24AM


I've been really lenient with myself lately. Haven't been giving much thought of the future and whatnot. Had given up on long term planing, afraid of it actually.

I've been cutting myself a lot of slack lately. Splurging, with less concern of the days to come. Doing stuffs that makes me happy, even if it is just for a slight moment.


All over the place, that's my state of mind lately. At times I feel like I need to snap out of this, but at some other times, I'll say fuck it, all that matters is a happy me (:




I'll just keep my worries for tomorrow then.



January 29, 2012

29th January 2012, 11:01PM




been playing in my head the entire day.

hated the original MV, it had some The Wanted vibe to it -.-




Boyce Ave




January 18, 2012

18 January 2012, 1:16 AM


I guess it's fitting that I end up where I've left so many others. I only wonder if the world will be a better place without me.

-Dexter



I must say, things are getting so heavy lately. I am starting to doubt my ability to hang on.

Marathon-ing Dexter, and nom-ing lasagna. How so little time changed my entire life. Is it ever possible to replace them, memories?

It's no use. Everything still looks gloomy from my end.


January 15, 2012

15 January 2012, 3:13AM





favourite.


January 12, 2012



So why are we all ignoring the melancholy elephant in the room?
- Cleo




was reading this article in the magazine, and yes, admitting to loneliness does make me feel weak and I don't like that one bit.

Loneliness breeds negativity. I can relate to that, I guess.



12 January 2012, 12:59AM


but we both know that I'm not that strong;
- Mayday Parade




It's the 12th.
but it doesn't seem to be of any importance anymore,
the thought of it is making me sad.


January 10, 2012

10th January 2012, 1:02AM

sigh.

feeling a little bit emo nemo :(

hungry maybe. should have nom-ed dinner after gym. fml.


January 7, 2012

7th January 2012, 11:55PM


use to be


reality starting to really soak in






need.to.channel.feelings.away


January 4, 2012

4th January 2012, 11:47PM



I'm having this sudden urge to get myself new gear,
to invest in photography again x)

A yummy Nikkor 35mm f/1.8 perhaps.



Oh wells, it'll pass.





4th January 2012, 12:35AM



i thought you said forever over and over;


January 2, 2012

2nd January 2012, 12:20PM

It's the journey, not the destination, that matters.

And so, I plan to make the most out of my life journey in this new year. For what's worth, Happy New Year peeps.






Today I realized that I am able to make a significant difference to someone else's life, I wish someday someone else would do the same to mine. Self-centered, much?



January 1, 2012

1st January 2012, 3:10AM


Someone told me that it isn't official until it is on Facebook.


Today, Kev and I sat at Starbucks and made it official via Facebook.



7 and 1/2 years is a long time.


So many memories,
don't know if I am able to create new ones.


but, I'll soldier on.






Kyle
always a sweet-heart.




you said move on,
but where do i go;